I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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