What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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