false alarm. still invincible.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
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