Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
