At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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