I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
