Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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