I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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