I'm gonna have a badass scar
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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