sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
