if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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