Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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