when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
