watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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