my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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