Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
