Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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