I am midnight drunk by noon
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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