At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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