tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
