You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he was CRYING into my vagina
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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