The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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