i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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