she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
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My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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