so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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