Betty ford says i'm here all night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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