I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
