You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
