eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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