I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
