I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
