Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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