I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
