Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
