I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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