I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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