Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
