we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
