I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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