I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I puked a lego.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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