Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
