Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
