i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
