apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
