hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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