Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So many bounce houses so little time
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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