butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
