Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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