Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
