I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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