i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
