so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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