he thought i was a dude.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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