Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
