we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
