I just threw up on my dentist
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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