Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
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i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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