seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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