I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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