It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Of course I have a pirate flag
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
