I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
