We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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